my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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