I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize