So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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