can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
bring money and cleavage
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
