Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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