you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So squirting runs in the family.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
