I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
