if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
