i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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