dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
