My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
