when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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