Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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