somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
