well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
