I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
worst night to have a conscience
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
