If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
