My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
