why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
