I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
