having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
