I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
