Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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