So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
