I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
