so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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