Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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