I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
