So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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