Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
