Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
