There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
