I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
sex in a hospital.. check
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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