According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
