This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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