Swine flu. Run for my life!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
