Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
