My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
