I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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