So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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