he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
