So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
