I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
