I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
