I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
