im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
