I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
