I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
