a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
