Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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