He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
