Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
