Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
