just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i believe in u and ur pee
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize