I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
