i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
