now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
