I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize