how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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